My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
