Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
