think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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