...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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