It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
