life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
