update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
