So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
