So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
