I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
