i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
