Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
