Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
