The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
