When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
