i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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