im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
