Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
