Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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