Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
