Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
