my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Randomize
