I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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