Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Enjoy the penises
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
