Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Vodka?
Forever.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
