I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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