last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
