On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
