I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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