After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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