I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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