Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Sober January is a disaster.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
