OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
