If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
