just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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