don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
