Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
