Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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