did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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