that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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