An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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