I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
