Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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