I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
vagina is talking i cant
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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