come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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