sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
