need another drink. this is the easiest way
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
