I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
