I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
