eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
