I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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